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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
From: lawrence.wright@shbbs.demon.co.uk (Lawrence Wright)
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.sprintlink.net!demon!shbbs!lawrence.wright
Subject: Going Boldly: Best of Two Bits - Part 2
Organization: Silicon Heaven BBS (2200-0630 UTC) (44-1626-834331) V32B
Date: Sun, 25 Sep 1994 17:28:18 +0000
Message-ID: <74f_9409251830@shbbs.demon.co.uk>
Sender: usenet@demon.co.uk
Lines: 967
I. Just a quick note from the author, to say the following. 1) I am not at
all responsible for any typing errors, or grammatical errors, even though I
wrote the bloody thing. So there.
2) It is necessary to understand that this is a PARODY, and the names have
Thank you.
This story is a parody on the TNG episode The Best of Both World, and the
Movie, Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan.
Now, a quick reminder of what happened last time. Last time on Going
Boldly:Best of Two Bits:-
Easy-pies had intercepted a Baud ship, and beamed an away team over. After a
few lines they returned and two Baud beamed over and kidnaped the captain.
Finally, the captain appeared on the screen, claiming that he was now a Baud
called Low-Cuts, and that he had a plan to destroy Earth.
And now the conclusion.
[Scene cuts to Main bridge of the S.C.S.C.S.S. Easy-Pies. Commander Wilfred
Biker, Counselor Diana Trout, Mr. Wok, Woof, Weasel, Atad, Unprenouncable, Dr.
Bones Cruncher, Sooty, Checkup, Geordie Git and a few blokes with no-names are
standing around. On the screen is Captain Timothy Pilchard, who now wants to be
called Low-Cuts.]
Gunian:[Via comm panel.] Anyone want any tea?
Low-Cuts: Tea is irrelevant. Resistance is an electronic term. Human
life is stupid....
Biker: Won't he ever shut up?
Wok: Fascinating.
Woof:[Getting a little angry] Would you please stop saying that.
Unprenouncable: Commander, Stub-space message coming is from Star
Control. Admiral Hand-job on channel 27.
Biker: On screen.
[The image of Low-Cuts disappears, and Admiral Hand-job's face appears.]
Admiral: Biker. We know of your situation. We are sending in our best
Baud Tactical analysis specialist. She should be with you at any ti...
[Through the Xpress lift, comes a woman with beautiful blonde hair, and a
perfect walk. All the men on the bridge (Except for Atad, Biker, Wok and
Weasel.)pull at their collars to let off some steam.]
Admiral: Ahhhhhh. Here we are. Commander, this is Lt. Commander
Shrell-Petrol.
Shrell-Petrol: [To Biker, in a soft sort of way.] You can call me
Shrell for short.
Biker: Thank you Shrell.
Atad: You are Starkinski 'Starksy me call can you' Captain to related
chance any by not your?
Shrell: He's my uncle.
Checkup: You can understand 'im?
Shrell: Perfectly.
Weasel: [Standing up.] Hello, my name is Weasel. You can call me any
name you want to though, most of these people do.
Shrell: Shut up you turd.
[Shrell Hits Weasel over the head cause no body likes him. Vast applause from
all on bridge.]
Woof: [Showing a slight grin] Encore encore.
[Admiral hand-job's face is suddenly replaced by Low-Cuts again.]
Low-Cuts: Do you mind. Here I am running through what is relevant and
not relevant, and you have the cheek to turn me off. Right. Where was
I? Ah yes. Coffee is relevant, as long as it is De-caff. Sausage
Sandwiches are DEFIANTLY relevant. Glasses are relevant. Punk hair
do's are irrelevant....
Biker: What do we do now?
Shrell: My be if we separated the saucer section, that would confuse
them.
Biker: No. Not till later.
Woof: I will destroy their ship.
Biker: We still need the captain. I can't be a captain for ever you
know. Now, would anyone mind if I slipped away to 5 backward for a
pizza?
Entire bridge crew: YES.
Gunian: [Via comm panel] I could send you one up.
Biker: Great. Lets see, large deep pan with Prawns,
anchovies, tuna, caviar, quail eggs,...
Wok: I suggest that we assemble an away-team party.
Biker: ...chicken, Hey. That sounds a great idea.
Shrell: You can't be going through with this sir.
Biker: Yes. Mr. Woof, Mr. Wok, Checkup. Make it so.
Low-Cuts: That is copyrighted to me, commander.
Biker: Sorry.
[Woof, Wok and Checkup leave via Xpress lift. Gunian enters, holding a large
pizza for Wilf. Wilf sits in Captain's chair eating his Pizza.]
Low-Cuts: I hope you don't drop anything on that chair. If
you do, I will kill you.
Biker: Mmmm mmmm MmmmmM mmmMmmmMMmmmMM.
Shrell: Right. Time for a break.
[Scene cuts to lovely logo of GOING BOLDLY, accompanied by a bit of plinky
plunky music just to really spoil the atmosphere. Biker jumps through logo,
still holding a slice of Pizza in his hand.]
Biker: I get to say when it's time for a...
[Scene cuts to lovely logo of GOING BOLDLY, accompanied by a bit of plinky
plunky music just to really spoil the atmosphere.]
Biker:[Off camera] BASTARD.
-----------------COMMERCIAL BREAK ---------------------- [Scene cuts to
an old man sitting in a comfy chair.]
Old man: I can still remember the first lager given to me
by my grandfather. It was Festers, and I was three.
[Scene cuts to a young boy, with a lager can in his hand. Boy is desperately
trying to undo the ring pull.]
Old mans voice over: I had a little trouble opening that
can, but then I will never forget that first taste.
Fermented hops just tasteful...
[Woof jumps up, and cuts the old man's head off.]
Woof: [In Australian Accent] Don't you just love it?
[Cut back to Easy-Pies bridge. A communication panel is ringing.]
Comm panel: Ring-ring. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Ring-ri...[Pilchard's voice appears] Hello. This is the
bridge. I'm sorry, but we're all busy at the moment, either
fighting a race of hostile aliens or discussing some treaty
with a nice and friendly race of aliens, or something like
that. Any way, please leave your name, deck, nearest call
point to reach you on and the chances of successfully
navigating an asteroid belt after [A Beep] SHIT!
Voice off camera: Why eye. It's Geordie Mon, deck 467. The
ne'rst call point is eng'eering mon.
Shrell: Geordie. This is the bridge.
Geordie Git: Why eye mon!
Shrell: What is the matter?
Geordie Git: Nowt mon. Im duwn 'ere in eng'eering, 'n' Me
'n' Sooty mon have cum up with this greet way to bluw the
Baud uip mon.
Shrell: I'm a wo-mon.
Geordie Git: Surry wumon.
Biker: [nearly choking on a slice of Pizza.]You can
understand him TOO?
Shrell: Perfectly.
[A communication panel rings again.]
Comm panel: Ringitty ring.
Atad: Hello. Bridge the is this. Service of be we can how?
Checkup:[Via comm panel] Ve hawe set up a surprise party in
fiwe backvard.
Atad: Commander the inform shall I.
Checkup:[Via comm panel] Vight oh.
Atad: [Turning to Biker] Ready now is party team away the
that reported has Checkup Ensign.
Shrell: Good.
[On the main Viewer, Low-Cuts appears again.]
Low-Cuts: ...Death is DEFIANTLY irrelevant. Persuasion is
futile. Harrison Ford is Fugitive....
Weasel: Can't we shut him up?
[Biker throws a piece of Pizza at Weasel, (which contains a razor blade) and it
cut's Weasel's head off.]
Weasel: Ouc...[THUD]
Shrell: Medics to the bridge. Immediately.
Biker: [Still munching Pizza] Be lay that order. Take your
time.
Low-Cuts: A futile maneuver Commander.
Biker: What is?
Low-Cuts: It's my next real line, and I am rehearsing.
Atad: 1 part in joke that done already have we but.
Low-Cuts: Look, whose the being whose about to destroy you
and your ship?
Atad: Taken point.
[Woof and Wok walk back on to the bridge, wearing party hats, and blowing those
irritating little pharppy things that you always get.]
Woof: [Blowing his little pharppy thing.]
PPPPHHHHAAAAARRRRRPPP.
Shrell: [Quietly to the bridge, so that Low-Cuts can't
hear.] Maybe if we keep him talking, his brain will seize.
Biker: [STILL munching his blah blah] Nice idea.
[Weasel has by this time found his head, but has put it on the wrong way, cause
he's stupid.]
Weasel: If we could perhaps separate the saucer section.
Shrell: [To Weasel]Shut up you turd, that's my idea.
Wok: [Who has been deep in thought.] The small twat has a
point.
Shrell: But it's my bloody plan.
Biker: [Who is STILL blah blah] What's your point?
Wok: Perhaps we could separate the saucer section as a
decoy.
Biker: [Etc etc etc] I still don't see.
[Shrell walks over to Weasel.]
Shrell: [In her best seductive voice] Would you be a
darling and go and get me a lovely cup of coffee from 5
backward, pretty please.
Gunian: I will [Starts towards the Xpress lift]
Shrell: [Snapping] WAIT. [Changes to seductive voice]
Weaselly Peassely will go for Shrelly welly wont he?
[Weasel jumps up and runs full speed to the Xpress lift.]
Biker: [Finally finishing his Pizza] What exactly are you
doing Commander?
Shrell: I believe that for Mr. Wok's plan to work, we need
that irritating little bugger out of the way.
Wok: Fascinating.
Woof: Right. That does it
[Woof jumps up from his seat (What seat?), over Unprenouncable, onto Biker's
old chair, springs on the chair, lands in front of the main viewer (With
Low-Cuts still on it), does a backward somersault off the main viewer, and
lands perfectly about 3 foot away from Wok. Biker, Shrell, and Atad hold up
cards with 9, 9.1 and 9.4 on them. Woof takes a bow, and Wok uses his ancient
neck hit to stun Woof. (The hit is, for those interested is where Mr. Wok
brings a frying pan over the top of his head, and hits his opponent on the back
of the neck with it.)]
Woof: Oooohhhhhhhh.[Collapses on the floor.]
Shrell: Please continue Mr. Wok
Wok: But you started saying what my plan was, thereby...
Shrell: Alright. If we put that irritating little turd
alone on the saucer section, and launch it, the Baud will
probably destroy it. Therefore, it creates a diversion for
us to launch out own attack, and also kills that twat once
and for all.
Everyone on the bridge (except for Woof): Yeah!!!!
[Exterior shot of the ship as all the crew run down to the
battle bridge.]
[Scene: Battle bridge.]
Biker: [To comm panel] Weasel Pusher report.
Weasel: [Via comm panel] Here sir.
Biker: Weasel. You are to proceed directly to the Main
bridge. Do not pass go. Do not collect #200.
Weasel: [Via comm panel] Yes sir.
Shrell: Do you really think that this will work?
Biker: Well, we have vacated the entire ship into the
battle section, and the saucer section is completely empty
except for Weasel.
[A comm panel blips.]
Comm panel: Blip.
Biker: Yes?
Weasel: [Via comm panel] I'm at the main bridge sir, but
it's empty.
Biker: That's right. You are going on a special mission.
Separate from us and proceed directly towards the Baud
ship. Stay as close as possible to the ship.
Weasel: On my way.
[Exterior shot of wonderful saucer separation (Which is quite good really,
considering the fact that the entire Easy-Pies is composed of the saucer. But
still, it's only a story you know.) Wonderful music as well in case i forgot to
mention (Which I probably did)]
[On the view screen on the battle bridge we see the saucer section float
towards the Baud ship. The Baud start to shot at it.]
Biker: Now transporter room. Lock on to the captain and
beam him aboard.
[Short pause for dramatic effect.]
Transporter chief: [Via comm panel] The captain has been
transported directly to the brig.
Biker: Well done.
[On the viewscreen, we suddenly see the saucer section ripped apart and Weasel
fly out in the vacuum of space. A tractor beam locks on to him, and the Baud
take him aboard. Vast cheers from the crew.]
[Scene cuts down to Brig. Biker, Woof, Wok, Shrell, and just about everyone
is here.]
Low-Cuts: A futile maneuver commander.
Biker: Thank you. Can we have our captain back now?
Low-Cuts: He's not in at the moment. He's busy. If you
leave your name and number after the beep he will get back
to you when ever.
Biker: Stop fooling around. We want our captain back.
Low-Cuts: Beep.
Biker: [To Atad and anyone else whose around] I want you
attempt to get through to the captain. And further...
Comm panel: Bing
[A comm panel goes bing.]
Biker: Yes?
Checkup: Cammander. You better get up here right avay.
Biker: Shrell, your with me. The rest of you stay here an
work on Low-Cuts.
Low-Cuts: Orange squash is irrelevant...
[Shrell and Biker leave for the bridge. (Sorry, battle bridge).] [Scene cuts to
battle bridge]
Biker: Report Mr Checkup.
Checkup: Vell sir. There is somefink on the wievscreen you
should see.
Biker: On screen.
[On the main viewer, Weasel appears dressed as a Baud.]
Weasel: I am Twerp of Baud. Resistance is a term used in...
Biker: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Shrell: Switch that thing off Mr. Checkup.
Checkup: Vight ho.
[Meanwhile, back in the brig. Atad is inside the cell with Low-Cuts, and is
attempting to link up with him.]
Low-Cuts: ATI?
Atad: Baud a not, sir android an am I.
Low-Cuts: Androids are irrelevant.
[Back to the battle bridge now.]
Woof: Sir, I have an object moving very fast.
Biker: Then go to sickbay.
Woof: No, I mean there is an object on the scanners coming
for us at a very high velocity.
Biker: On screen.
[On the main viewer, we see Weasel, now stripped of his Baud costume being
hurled through space towards the Easy-Pies. He falls into an air intake duct
and lands back in his seat on the battle bridge. There is a note tied around
his neck.]
Woof: [Reading note] Here, have the irritating little
bastard back.
Weasel: They didn't like me.
Shrell: Don't blame them.
Wok: This is rather fascinating. What have we learned from
this encounter?
Shrell: That the Baud are more intelligent than we thought?
Wok: Fascinatingly right.
Woof: Would you please stop saying that.
Wok: Fascinating.
Biker: Calm down Mr. Woof.
[Back at the brig.]
Trout: Atad, how are you doing?
Atad: Captain the to through break to yet have I
Access my blocking programs security many too are there.
Trout: Why not try Barclay-Card?
[Back at the battle bridge]
Shrell: Why do we keeping flipping between here and there?
Biker: We are waiting for something exciting to happen.
Shrell: Like what?
Biker: Perhaps a Baud attack on the ship?
[Suddenly the Baud open fire on the ship.]
Shrell: You and your big mouth.
Biker: Woof fire some useless torpedoes.
Woof: Firing away.
[A voice is heard off-screen]
Voice heard off-screen: Cry Havoc. And let slip the dogs of
War.
Biker: What?
Wok: Oh no.
Shrell: What's up?
Wok: It's Change of the Klanger empire. He is in a clocked
vessel and is firing upon us just as in one of my earlier
adventures.
Biker: Woof, open a comm channel.
Woof: Open.
Biker: Look Change, we are having enough problems here with
this Baud ship, and the fact that our captain is still one
of them, and that Weasel is back. Now if you could come
back another day, we shall destroy you then.
Change: I have so wanted to meet you Commander Biker.
Biker: I don't know how to take that?
A Klanger voice off-screen: Sincere admiration.
Change: One Queer guy to another.
Woof: Change. There is no honor in this act. Now get lost
before I have to kill you.
Change: Ah but what is this I hear before me? A Klanger?
And on a Control ship too.
Woof: I am Woof. Son of Meg.
Change: Meg? The traitor at Camp Crystal Lake?
Woof: My father was no traitor.
Shrell: Er, sorry to intrude on Klanger matter, but could
you please finish this some other time?
Change: Yes, in another story.
Woof: It seems the honorable thing to do.
Change: You know nothing of honor.
Woof: Why, I ought to...
Biker: Please, lets finish this.
Change: I'll be back.
Biker: At last. Maybe now we can get back to what we where
doing.
Weasel: What was that?
Biker: First officers diary. Additional. We have managed to
re-capture captain Pilchard, although he still seems to
under the influence of the Baud, and still believes that he
is called Low-Cuts.
Weasel: Why did you say additional? You haven't even made
one diary entry yet at all.
[Biker hits Weasel.]
[Scene cuts to Brig again.]
Low-Cuts: ATHO
Trout: What????
Atad: Something us tell to trying is captain the that
believe I.
Trout: But, what?
Atad: Command a us giving is captain the that believe I.
Trout: What command?
Atad: Decoding..Wait please....You music some is here.
Trout: Atad, don't do this to me!
Atad: [Singing] Glances exchanging, night the in
strangers...
Trout: No, no no!!!!!
[Scene cuts back to bridge. Weasel is sitting at his post, crying.]
Weasel: Boo hoo hoo. [Taps comm panel.] Weasel to Dr.
Cruncher.
Cruncher: [Off screen] What do you want?
Weasel: Commander Biker just hit me. Boo hoo hoo.
Cruncher: What do you want me to do about it? I'm a doctor
dammit, not your mother.
[Weasel carries on crying. Comm panel near Biker clicks.]
Biker: Hello?
Cruncher: [Off screen] Commander, can you hit that little
twerp at the front for me.
Biker: [Smiling] Sure.
[Biker hits an un-named bloke who is keeping Atad's seat warm. Un-named bloke
starts to cry.]
Cruncher: No, not him.
Biker: Sorry.
[Scene cuts to unfamiliar scene. It's inside the Baud ship. Two Bauds are
standing here.]
Baud 1: Is the mission successful?
Baud 2: Yes. We have disabled their twerp drive.
Baud 1: Why did us say we?
Baud 2: What do we mean?
Baud 1: Why must us use plurals?
Baud 2: It's in our script.
[Scene cuts back to Brig.]
Trout: [Hands over ears] Come on Atad.
Atad: [Singing] Hammer a had I if...
Trout: What's up?
Atad: Us telling is captain the what established have I
Trout: WHAT!?!
Atad: Sleep.
[Scene cuts to bridge.
Well, which bridge?
I can't remember which one we're on can I?
Well, you wrote the bloody thing.
Anyway, we are on the bridge where Biker and the rest are.]
[On the screen we see a large farmer appear from the side
of the Baud ship. He goes into a shed, and comes out on a
tractor. The tractor locks on to the Easy-pies.]
Woof: They have us in a tractor beam.
Biker: Emergency maneuvers.
Shrell: What emergency maneuvers can you do when stuck in a
tractor beam?
Biker: How am I supposed to know? I'm only the first
officer.
Weasel: Boo hoo, if only (sniff) the captain was here.
[On the main screen, we see Baud 1.]
Baud 1: You there. Surrender your weapons, and prepare to
be boarded.
Biker: Why?
Baud 1: Because we have (yawn) to get (Yawn, yawn) to bed.
Goodni(Yawn)ght.
[The baud vanishes. Main screen shows the Baud ship. All
the lights are suddenly switched off.]
Biker: Look's nicer with no lights on, don't you think?
Shrell: I wonder what happened there. [Taps comm panel]
Atad. Are you there?
Trout: [Via comm panel] Hello. This is Diana. Atad found a
way to tell the Baud to go to sleep.
Woof: Commander! I am reading a large power build up on the
Baud ship. They are going to blow.
Biker: Full speed out of here.
Checkup: Twerp system off line.
Biker: What!?!
[Main doors open, and Pilchard walks in, still wearing Baud
costume.]
Biker: Low-Cuts. What are you doing here?
Pilchard: What are you drivilling on about number 6?
Biker: Captain. It really is you.
Woof: Er, look. I know this is a happy time, but we are not
going to be able to get out of range of that blast on
Impulsed engines.
Pilchard: [Turning to Biker] What have you done with my
ship?
Biker: Well, nothing really... Er I mean.....Well,.....
[Wok looks around, then walks towards the Xpress lift.]
Weasel: It may have been the Baud.
Pilchard: [Taps comm panel] Engineering. Sooty. I want
Twerp speed in 3 minutes.
[Pilchard puts his ear VERY close to the comm panel.]
Sooty:
Pilchard: Oh, right.
[Scene cuts to Engineering. Cruncher is here, as is Sooty
(in his box) and Geordie Git. Wok appears on the lift.
Geordie is lying on the ground, and Cruncher is helping
him. Wok walks towards the radiation chamber. Cruncher runs
over to him]
Cruncher: Are you crazy? Don't go in there. The radiation
can kill a man.
Wok: As I am sure you have noticed, I am not a man.
Cruncher: I meant that it would kill any living thing.
Wok: Oh,....Ar.....Well, in that case, what is Mr. Git's
condition?
Cruncher: He's sustained a...
[Wok hits Cruncher with a saucepan, then proceeds inside
the radiation chamber. Geordie gets up, and crawls towards
the chamber.]
Geordie: Why aye mon. I wouldna' go in thur If I were yu.
[Scene cuts to Bridge. Pilchard is back in his seat, Weasel
is still crying.]
Woof: 1 minute till we all die a very nasty death indeed.
Biker: Did you have to use the D word?
Atad: Commander to referring you were which to so,
statement last Woof's Mr. in D with beginning words 2
approximately were there?
Woof: 30 seconds.
Pilchard: That 30 seconds went rather fast.
Trout: It keeps with all suspense serials, were there is
only a minute left, the first 30 seconds lasts for 10
seconds, whilst the remaining 30 seconds lasts for around 3
minutes.
Biker: Right. We have 3 minutes to repair the Twerp drive.
Pilchard: That may not be possible. I believe that it would
take at least 10 hours to get it working.
Biker: Then we really are dead!
[Scene cuts back to Engineering. Wok is struggling with
some suitcases in the radiation chamber. Geordie, Sooty and
Cruncher are all banging on the glass.]
Wok: Bog off.
[A bright bit of light suddenly flashes up, and Wok puts a
suitcase over it. Light vanishes. Cut to bridge.]
Woof: 20 seconds, 19, 18, 17,
Weasel: Captain!
Pilchard: Shut up!
Woof: 16 seconds remaining, 15, 14, 13, 12,...
Weasel: CAPTAIN!
Pilchard: Shut up you twerp.
Woof: [Sounding a little distressed] 11 seconds till we get
all our atoms spread across the galaxy!
Biker: Thanks for that!
Weasel: I have to...
Biker: Weasel. SHUT UP.
Woof: 8, 7,
Weasel: (rather fast) WEHAVETWERPSPEEDBACKONLINE!
Pilchard: Can you repeat that!
Woof: 6,5..
Weasel: We have Twerp speed back on line.
Woof: 4,3..
Pilchard: Why didn't you say?
Weasel: I tried, but you see...
Woof: 2,1....
Pilchard: ENGAGE! ENGAGE! ENGAGE! ENGAGE!
----------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK ----------------------
[Scene cuts to a bloke in a crowded office.]
Bloke: Paying too much for your spaceship insurance? Then
call MAJOR insurance free on channel U. That's free on
Channel U.
[By this time, the bloke has walked up to a stupid looking
woman sitting at a desk.
Stupid looking woman: That's right. Free on channel U.
Bloke: We guarantee you can't do better.
----------------------------------------------------------
[Scene cuts to exterior shot of Easy-Pies (Minus the saucer
part), and it flies into twerp just as the baud ship blows
up. Cut to bridge. Pilchard's Baud outfit suddenly
disappears.]
Pilchard: That was exciting.
Cruncher: [Via comm panel] Tim, I think you better come
down here.
[Pilchard looks around, Camera zooms in on Wok's empty
chair, then to Woof. Pilchard leaves the bridge. Cut to
Engineering. Wok is lying inside the radiation chamber,
against the glass. Geordie is making faces on the glass to
keep him amused (Keeping Wok amused, not himself!).
Pilchard runs down the corridor, and to the door. He goes
to open the door. Cruncher and Geordie grab him.]
Cruncher: You'll flood the whole compartment.
Pilchard: He'll die.
Geordie: Why, he's deed alreidy mon.
[Pilchard goes up to the glass. Camera goes inside the
chamber. Cameraman dies from radiation.]
Wok: Ship out of danger?
[Back outside now, and Pilchard can see Wok's lips moving,
but can't hear anything.]
Cruncher: Look's like he's trying to talk to us.
Pilchard: Why can't we hear him?
Geordie: Why, it's sound prof gloss, mon.
Pilchard: [With exaggerated lip movement.] Use the
communicator.
[Wok continues.]
Pilchard: USE THE COMMUNICATOR.
[Still nothing.]
Pilchard, Cruncher, Geordie and Sooty:[All together] USE
THE COMMUNICATOR!!!!
[Wok picks up his communicator.]
Wok: Ah, why didn't you say?
Pilchard: What the hell are you doing in there?
Wok: Don't grieve Tim. Was fascinating.
Pilchard: What?
Wok: [Obviously in pain] The needs (ouch) of the (ohhhhhh)
many, out(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyouch!)weigh....
Pilchard: The needs of the one?
Wok: Fuck off! This is my death speech. Let me make it my
self.
Pilchard: Sorry!
Wok: The needs of the one, or the few. I have, and always
shall be your friend.
Pilchard: Have you?
Wok: Would you please stop interrupting.
Pilchard: Sorry.
Wok: Live long and.....
[Wok's eyes close slowly, and he slumps down on the ground.
A moment of silence follows, with long shot's of all those
present.]
Cruncher: Well, I'm not going in there to get him out!
[Scene cuts to some place, with a coffin on a torpedo rack.
the entire crew is assembled here.]
Pilchard: Of all the lifeforms, and civilizations I have
met, of all the souls I have encountered, his was the most
fascinating.
[The coffin starts off down the tube, with Sooty playing
the bagpipes. Cut to exterior shot of Easy-Pies, with
coffin flying out of tube. Cut back to easy-Pies, in 5
backward. Pilchard, and most of the others are here, having
a drink.]
Pilchard: It is really quite sad when a member of your crew
goes like that.
Cruncher: I still don't see why I had to go in there.
[Communicator bleeps.]
Pilchard: Yes?
[A strange voice is heard]
Strange Voice: [Via comm panel] Captain. Can you please
come and pick me up.
Pilchard: Wok? Is that you?
Wok: [Via comm panel] Indeed it is.
Pilchard: What happened?
Wok: It appears that the radiation is nothing more than
sleeping gas, and I fell asleep.
Pilchard: Where are you?
Wok: I appear to be on the home planet of Romanulas.
Pilchard: WHAT!?!
Wok: If you can pick me up some time, I would be grateful.
In the meantime, I shall see whether I can re-unite the
people.
Pilchard: We are scheduled to stop at Starbase 1 for
repairs, then we shall pick you up.
Wok: Any idea how long it will take?
Pilchard: Well, I am going to see my brother on Earth. he
has a cider-making factory you know, then we should be able
to get to you, so make it 2 stories time, unless we run
into to trouble, but. Yes. 2 stories time.
Wok: I shall be waiting.
[Sound of communicator switching off.]
Biker: Well, would you believe it?
Trout: So, what happens next?
Pilchard: Well, we have the usual story which tells of my
purging of the soul from this incident, where I visit my
brother, then it's back to the usual type of stories, after
picking up Mr. Wok of course.
Biker: Amazing that a coffin can travel so far.
Trout: But captain. Why do you need to Purge your soul to
get over this incident? You seem fine to me.
Pilchard: That's true. Well, it seems we will be picking up
Mr. Wok in the next story after all!
Gunian: Hi, want any tea?
[Scene cuts to exterior shot of Easy-Pies entering the star
base near Earth for repairs.]
The End of Best of Two Bits part 2.
The Crew will return in:
U-knighting